Sleeping the day away

Oh, the joy of motherhood.

Lilian was super cranky today and I was supposed to go to my parent's house a little earlier; nap time comes first. I hate living in such a small apartment, if just a little mess is made it doesn't take long for it to look like crap. I'm hoping that someday soon we will be able to move into a least a two bedroom unit. Right now our bed is in the living room, makes having company kind of crowded. I think a good time line for me is within the next ten years, try to have my own house/ living space. I'd like to have my own car that's in my name, and be able to afford it by myself. I also want to be able to afford anything Lilian needs plus some things on the side, not have to worry about how we are going to buy her shoes. But it all really depends on how schooling will go and if I get a job afterwards that I can do. So much is riding on this education, it can be a but daunting at times. My biggest fear is that I will fail; or even I will pass school but not get a job for a long time in my chosen field. I want so much for Lilian and I hate not being able to give it to her. Another thing is how much I depend on my boyfriend right now. I hate having to depend on other people, especially men. I've always been self-sufficient; to have to live off someone else is maddening. Of course I say nothing about it because I wouldn't want to make him more upset than he already is about life. We both hate the situation we are in now. But such is life, right? All you can do is live with what your given and try to rise above it.


Anyways, I get to take a little break from Lilian's whining while shes asleep. I love these moments. I wish there was somewhere I could take her like twice a week; maybe a daycare or something for kids that would be free based on income. I think it would be good for both of us; she gets to play with other kids more often and I get a break once in a while. Maybe I will look into that. I'm making chili for supper tonight, I should probably get on that while I have the free time to myself. Lets hope shes happy when she wakes up (not counting on it). :)

Beginning of a memory.......

So, here I am writing to myself. I decided after viewing a lot of blogs from different people I would finally start one. I guess you could call me new to it all, only because I never really got into the whole blogging thing. But I figured now would be a good time. I'm going to try and write as much as I can on here and post pictures of things we do, meaning my daughter and I mostly. I want a diary of sorts to keep, easy to remember things that way; my baby can also look at it when she gets older. By the way, her name is Lilian Marie, almost two now. Time is going by so fast since she was born, I feel like I'm in fast forward. All the things i wanted to do in life were put on hold when she arrived. I thought I had all the time in the world to get the things I wanted to do accomplished; after she was born I feel like I'm trying to catch up. I'm 22 years old and feel like I'm 35. Sad, isn't it? I could blame my situation on my background and childhood I suppose, born poor and destined to be poor. I refuse to end up like that; my daughter will not live like I did. I didn't have it all bad though. My mother loved my brother and I a lot and tried her best to give us something; having MS put quite a strain on motherhood. She had always done everything with a smile though, and never showed weakness or sadness when we were around. I think I admire her in that, and strive to be like her, in that way anyways. She also made some very bad mistakes and I feel sometimes my brother paid the price, out of the two of us he is the more affected. I somehow came out mostly un-scratched by it all. I aim to avoid the mistakes my mother made, and learn from them to make a better life for my children. i am by no means perfect, don't get me wrong. I wish I had maybe done things a little differently, but the past is where it shall stay; all I can do is look forward and make choices to better our future. So anyways, I'll write about our daily lives and what we do. how lilian is progressing and my relationship with my boyfriend at times. Sad or happy, mad or glad; nothing is off-limits when it comes to affairs of the heart. Enjoy :)